Daddy Was a Hound Dog

Dear Sisters,

My father passed away three years ago and while going through his things I discovered several incriminating photos. The problem is that the photos included my father and women other than my mother. If I had never seen these photos, I would have remembered my father as a wonderful man. He was hardworker, a good husband and father, and heavily involved in our church. But now my memories are tainted by these horrible photos. But a bigger issue is that my mother just keeps talking about how wonderful he was. She doesn't know about the photos. I just want to show them to her so she too can put the perfect man to rest. Would it be cruel to tell her?

Jena: It has been said that the truth will make you free? But what else does it make you? In the long run this truth might be more than you bargained for.

Michele: I think that you should share it with you mother. Perhaps it will not only put her memories in perspective, but it might also allow both of you to come to terms with who your father really was as a person. He was human. Although your father was a low-down trifling human in one respect, he did have some really good qualities. There are a lot of men who are just low-down and trifling--and, nothing else.

Elana: I would let that dog lie. Your father is dead. Your mother is content with her memories. Making her miserable is not going to make you any less miserable. So, what would be the point?

Confused By All the Santas

Dear Sisters,

I am eight years old. Everywhere I look, I see Santa Claus. I know that some of them are fake by the way they look. Is there really a Santa Claus?

Jena: I too have spotted Santa in the mall on several occasions, however I certainly hope you are aware that Christmas is not really Santa's big day; its the day we recognize the birth of Christ.

Michele: Sweetie, only in one's imagination.

Elana: Yes, honey. Haven't you seen him in the department stores?

Wife of a Predator

I was watching a program about child predators on Dateline tonight. My husband is always on the Internet in chatrooms. Whenever I walk in the room he quickly closes out his conversation box. I have reason to suspect to that he is chatting with young girls although I do not know if he has met with any of them. One reason I believe this is because I am 20 years-old and he is 51 years-old. I met him when I was fifteen and we got married when I was eighteen. He has not seemed interested in me since we have been married. I know that he has approached some of the younger girls in our town. I really do not mind because this keeps him away from me. Should I report him to the authorities?

Jena: If you have proof that your husband is illegally approaching underage girls for sex, then you should definitely report him. You might consider reporting him to Dateline.

Michele: Just because your husband began his relationship with you when you were underage does not necessarily mean he has continued the behavior. Just because he closes out his chatroom conversations when you enter the room does not necessarily mean he is is chatting with underage girls. Rumours of approaching young girls in your neighborhood do not necessarily make him a child molester. But it certainly sounds worth reporting to the authorities for investigation.

Elana: You might need more help than your husband. Well, at least as much help as your husband. I highly recommend you speak to your clergy or a counselor regarding your relationship with your husband. It sounds as if you were at one time a victim of his child molestation issues. And as far as the authorities, if I had evidence of his activities then I would report him. I do not know if suspicions would be enough for the authorities to investigate. I think that whatever I do, I would do it anonymously.

Elana:

Excusemaker or Realist

Dear Sisters,

I have often been told I can achieve anything if I give it my all. I feel that the real issue is there are some things some people are just not good at doing. Do you think I am making excuses, or do you agree that some people are just not good at some things?

Jena: It is a question only that person can answer. I do believe different people have different strengths. That being said, in my lifetime I cannot recall an instance when something that I set out to learn was not within my grasp. Well, maybe one instance, a singer I am not. However, I can recall times when something was beyond the effort I was willing to put forth. I will say that I have always known in my heart when the real obstacle was my ability or my attitude. Still, there have been times when I ignored my heart and labeled my excuse as the reason for not giving my best.

Michele: Personally, I believe that you can achieve anything you would like to achieve. But I also think that you may not be as good as others at those achievements. On the other hand, you might be better than others at some achievements.

Elana: I believe it can be either or. Sometimes you make excuses that you cannot do something because you do not want to put forth the effort. And sometimes, you really may not be good at it. But try it before you dish it.

Concerned Best Friend

Dear Sisters,

I am concerned that one of my best friends is about to make a very big mistake! I think she is rushing into a marriage without weighing out the good and the bad. I know you can never really know until you go for it, however, I also think there are signals of probable success or failure. My friend has been in one bad relationship and has two young children. Although these are two different men, I think she should recognize the signs. She called me last week and informed me she was getting married next week. I asked her if she is sure and she says she is about 85 percent sure. Being her friend, I am very worried. I gave her my blessings but I don't know. What do you think?

Jena: I am going to go out on a limb on this one. My guess is that your concerns are due to some insight that you have not shared with us. I would think about what you would hope a true friend would do if the situation were reversed. I personally would want my friend to share their concerns with the understanding they come from the heart and that they will fully support whatever decision I make. I would also encourage them to speak to their clergy or a family counselor before making such a serious move. I think this is totally different from expressing concerns after the vows have been spoken--but that's another question entirely. Could it jeopardize your friendship? Sure it could. But in my opinion that is the difference between friends and best friends--best friends are willing to take bigger risks.

Michele: Continue giving her your blessings. Hope the marriage really does work out and is a union of happiness and longevity .

Elana: Good luck to her! Let her take a chance, after all there is no guarantee with any marriage--in fact life itself is a gamble.

Perimenopausal and Expecting

Dear Sisters,

I have five adult children. I just found out that I am pregnant. I have not told my husband, but I know he would want this baby. However, I truly do not know what I want to do. What would you do if you were in my situation?

Jena: I would get a second opinion, and a third opinion and a fourth opinion. And if all of those came back positive, then I would get a fifth. But I wouldn't be able to drink it because of the pregnancy.

Michele: JUMP! Off of the bed that is--like I should have in the first place. In all seriousness, I would take a deep breath and examine my choices. I personally would share this with my husband, but that too is a personal choice. My train of thought is that you got into this together, why not deal with it together?

Elana: I wouldn't have it. But then again, my tubes are tied.

Christmas Dilemma

Dear Sisters,

I have a sister who seems to think Christmas is definitely a time for giving gifts. She thinks that no matter what your situation is you should be able to do so. My sister says that even if you go to the dollar store that as long as you are giving it doesn't matter. On the one hand I think that it is nice if you can give gifts, but I prefer life and love overall. Besides this is a day of celebration--know what I mean! What do you think?

Jena: Christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of Christ—nothing more, nothing less. How one chooses to celebrate that wondrous event is a personal decision. However, I do find it is sad that the custom of gift giving at Christmas has diminished to a level where some feel it is an obligation rather than an expression of good will. I think it sad that some have moved to the point where the value of a one-dollar gift given in the true spirit of love is unequal to an expensive gift given in the true spirit of love.

Michele: Athough we know Christmas time is the celebration the birth of Christ, some of us tend to think of it as a season for giving presents when it should be gifts. By gifts, I mean symbols of life and love. I say this because with all of the gifts I receive they do not amount to joy of seeing my family alive and well, bringing me joy and laughter. When all of my friends and family are gone I feel so empty, even though the presents are still there.

Elana: Christmas is about love and family. But, if you can give non-stressfully that too is nice. But if you can't give having love and being with your family should be more than enough.

Friends, Always and ...

Dear Sisters,

My best friend is pregnant and considering an abortion. If she has an abortion, I do not believe I can continue our friendship. She already has two children and can barely take care of them, so I understand why she would not want another child. I think she should consider adoption. I have two children and am barely making it or I would take the child myself. My friend knows how I feel but says she has to do what is best for her. We have been friends since kindergarten. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

Jena: You are not wrong for feeling the way you do, but what has that got to do with it? Your friend needs your support—whichever way she decides. One more thing, I'm not clear on why you won't take the child--run that by me one more time.

Michele: Your friend has a choice to make and she has to live with it. You have a choice to make and you too will have to live with it.

Elana: Ditto

Am I or Am I Not?

Dear Sisters,

I have been married for almost fourteen years and I love my husband very much. I have this lady friend who I have known for only a few months. I am scared to death because the feelings and thoughts I am having for this woman are much like those I have for my husband. I have never had these feelings for a woman. I do not know what these feelings are but they are consuming my thoughts. What I should do?

Jena: My guess is that your fear is that you are a homosexual. Although your thoughts and feelings are mimicking homosexuality they are likely something else. Hopefully, this is just a lingering for something you need, yet are not getting from your husband. If you were gay, these feelings would probably have shown up a longtime ago. I recommend you seek the advice of your clergy, a mental health professional, and/or a relationship counselor.

Michelle: I agree with my sis that if you were really gay these feelings would have shown up a longtime ago. I would not think you are really homosexual, but then there is the possibility you have been repressing your sexuality. I really have no idea, but I do think you need to seek assistance from a professional before things get out of hand. You do not say if this lady friend is gay, but if she is you are really playing with fire. If she is not, you could lose a friend, your husband and your mind if you let these feelings fester.

Elana: This is just way out of my realm of expertise honey. If I were in your shoes, I imagine I would be pretty scared too.

Torn Into Pieces

Dear Sisters,

I think I am in love with more than one man. Is this possible?

Jena: Well, exactly how many pieces are we talking about? Are we talking two or are we talking five or six?

Michelle: I think you can love more than one man at a time, but I don't think you can truly be in love with more than one. Sometimes we confuse love for another man with dissappointment in the one we really love. That doesn't mean we are really in love with the one we're with, we just wish we were in love with someone other than the one who hurt us.

Elana: Clearly we don't have enough information about this situation. But based on my own experience, I believe you can be in love with at least two or three at one time.

Advice Adversaries

Dear Sisters,

There are these folks in my office who are addicted to your advice column. They read the questions and argue about which one of you is right all week long. It is really getting kind of crazy. Do you have any advice for us? By the way, I am one of these folks.

Jena: The Jerry Springer Show is always looking for some really good knockdown, drag-it-out brawls.

Michele: I would suggest that you start visiting other parts of our SisterPlay.com site. There are certainly less antagonizing—although just as interesting.

Elana: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion—just play nice.

A Tale of Two Men

Dear Sisters,

I have two male friends. One of them talks as if he could be very generous. He is an attractive man who is 19 years older than me. The other freely admits to being a tightwad. He is also attractive and four years my junior. I am attracted more to the tightwad. What should I do?

Jena: There is some missing information here. I hate to admit to this, but the first thought that came to my mind had to do with virility of the older gentleman. My guess is that these two men are on two opposite spectrums in this area and that may have a little to do with why you are more attracted to the younger one. If that area is important to you--and it is not for everyone--then I would not settle for less. It might come back to haunt you in a couple of years. But truly, you should be looking at so very much more than these two criteria--you don't mention their heart or character.

Michele: Silly me, I would have to go with the tightwad.

Elana: It seems that you are more attracted to the younger one whom is a tightwad, and this is a problem for you. My suggestion is to find someone whom you are attracted to who is not a tightwad.

Infatuated With Cassonova

Dear Sisters,

I am absolutely infatuated with this man. He is smart, funny, interesting, nice-looking and just plain old sexy. He's not married, but he admits he has this lady friend that he has been seeing off and on for about a year. I know that to get involved with him is risky business but I really, really like this man. What should I do?

Jena: As long as I have been without a man, I am just the wrong one to ask. No one knows your heart more than you do. But as a word of warning, I would ask yourself if you would ever really be able to trust him if things went in your favor? It appears he was honest enough to tell you, but it sounds like he has a cheating heart.

Michele: I don't know what to tell ya Missy. How are the pickings in your neck of the woods? Laugh. We have all done this stupid thing before, so who are we to keep you from your fun? If he truly makes you laugh, I'd give it a whirl. But first, I personally would ask if the lady friend has a gun.

Elana: Girl, go for it! You only live once. How often do you meet a man that you really, really like? But first, I would ask about that gun.

Crowded in My Bed

Dear Sisters,

I am a single mother of a son who is 10, and he will not sleep in his room alone. Yep, you guessed right; he sleeps in my bed. What am I to do?

Jena: Well, in light of what we have seen with Michael Jackson, I would do something in a hurry. On a serious note, I am really not sure what you should do. You have obviously neglected to do something that should have been done years ago. However at this point, I would consult my pediatrician before doing anything.

Michele: I suggest that you try moving into his room and sleeping in his bed. Even try taking over his room—his television, games, toys and all. That will do it.

Elana: Kick him out, and let him know it is a part of growing up.

Hot in Mama's House

Dear Sisters,

I am a 35 year-old single, divorced mother of one child. I live with my mother. It is a very difficult situation because my mother thinks I'm lazy. She doesn't understand why a person who is up from 5 a.m. until about 11 p.m. most nights doing something besides relaxing is tired. She also says that I can't have a male friend to come visit me in her home. She always gets mad at me about something or the other. She tells me she will be glad when I get out of her house. But if I go out and stay late and my child isn't there with her, she gets mad because she is home by herself. So sisters, tell me what do you think--what would you say to mom?

Jena: If I were in your position, I would not say anything to my mom. At least nothing more than I love her and will always be a part of her life. I would simply try to find the resources to get out on my own.

Michele: Sweetie, get out of your mother's house.

Elana: Although I understand that you do not want to hurt your mother’s feelings, you are an adult with adult responsibilities and you are not happy with this arrangement. And since this is true, the only answer is to get on with your own life. Your mother has lived her own life the way she chose--and continues to do so. Now you must do the same.

Excusemaker or Realist

Dear Sisters,

I’m often told that I can achieve anything if I give it my all. However, I feel there are some things that some people are just not good at. By this comment, do you think I am not trying hard enough and making excuses, or do you agree that some people are just not good at some things?

Jena: It is a question only that person can answer. I do believe different people have different strengths. That being said, in my lifetime I cannot recall an instance when something that I set out to learn was not within my grasp. Well, maybe one instance—a singer I am not. However, I can recall times when something was beyond the effort I was willing to put forth. I will say that in my heart, I have always known when it was my ability or when it was my attitude that was the obstacle. There have certainly been times when I ignored my heart and labeled my “excuse” as “the reason” for not giving my best.

Michele’: Personally, I believe that you can achieve anything you want to achieve. But I also think that you may not be as good as others at those achievements. On the other hand, you might also be the very best.

Elana: I believe it can be either or. Sometimes you make excuses that you cannot do something because you do not want to put forth the effort. And sometimes, you really may not be that good at it. But try it before you dish it.

Fed Up in the City

Dear Sisters,

I am 16 years old. I have a sister who is about three years younger than me and people are always telling her how pretty she is. When they notice me they say, "you are cute too and your mommy says you are so smart." It has always been this way. I think my sister is really cute too, but I really get upset with how little these people seem to care about my feelings. I always just smile. Do you think I should say something to these people about their rudeness?

Jena: Girl, you are talking to the guru now. I too was the smart one and there is no glamour in that. But the older I get the more I realize that being the pretty one might not be all that great. Just ask Halle. In the end it’s not the outside that counts, its what is in your heart. Not to mention, I don’t care what they say I look pretty darn good myself. And, I personally would just say a little prayer for those rude folks. I would pray they get a little less insensitive as they get older.

Michele': No, don't utter a word. Just smile and remember that you are cute and smart too.

Elana: Being that I am one of those pretty girls, my advice is that you should not take it so personally. Don’t worry about the opinions of other people because you will never be able to control them. In other words, get over it.

Culture Shock

Dear Sisters,

We recently moved to a small city in Georgia. My child is in the eleventh grade and attends two schools--a magnet school and the regular high school. My child has been in the top of her class everywhere we have lived--we are military folks. Her classes have always been pretty diverse. She has explained to me that the magnet school she is attending has very few African Americans in the classes, but the regular high school across the street is almost all African American. She takes one class at the regular school and says there is a very blantant difference in the quality of the facilities, instruction, and class control. She feels that this is very unfair. I can tell that this is very stressful for her. I am having a hard time explaining this situation to my child. Just for you information, we are not African Americans; we are white.

Jena: Initially, we were pretty shocked that we were getting this letter from white folks. But truly if a person is from a place where equality and fairness are the norm, it can be a pretty big culture shock coming into a situation such as this one. I believe this is not an unusual situation in the South, and it most certainly is not unusual in our parts. Be honest and candid with your child and to continue to instill your value system in her although she is in this difficult situation. I would also encourage her to forge strong relationships with both her peers and teachers--her influence on them can be monumental. Remind her she is a political participant and a voter of the future. You might also encourage her to use cultural diverse internet resources to

Michele: I would encourage your daughter to consider writing about and sharing her experiences--maybe a journal or a newsletter article. You might also encourage her to use cultural diverse internet resources, such as, Race Relations at SisterPlay.com to ensure her diverse connections. Just monitor her Internet usage closely, because there are dangers.

Elana: For the most part, I agree with the advice my sisters have offered. I'm not very hopeful. This is the way its always been and I don't believe its ever going to change. Who knows, maybe your family will be the difference.

Hanging on to the Past

Dear Sisters,

My husband and I are separated, but it is not my choice. I still love my husband. Because of this, I have issues with other guys. Give me your insight on moving on.

Jena: This question is really difficult to answer without knowing the full scope of the situation. However, regardless of the situation I would strongly recommend taking the steps to bring closure or reconciliation to the current relationship—the marriage—before even attempting to develop other relationships. My guess is that one of the largest issues you have in new relationships would certainly have to be that you have not dealt with the current relationship.

Michele: Give yourself a little time. You know time really does heal all wounds. You don't need a man around for that.

Elana: I think you should examine why you are having such a hard time dealing with this, then perhaps you will be able to move on. Consider seeking the services of a counselor or clergy in help you to examine the why.

In a Rut

Dear Sisters,

I am 40 years-old. All of my life I have been working at jobs that pay terribly. I know that I have the ability to go to school and increase my skills, but I just cannot seem to get motivated. I'm not lazy, I have always worked--sometimes two or three jobs at a time. I was a very good student in high school, but chose to get married rather than go to college. Fifteen years down the road, I find myself here. Do you have any suggestions?

Jena: Seldom do my sisters and I see eye-to-eye, but this is one of those rare instances. I would say, follow their advice. Many times a lack of motivation is simply a side effect of the fear of failure. As long as you do not try, you cannot fail. The flipside is that if you do not try, you cannot succeed.

Michele': Pray about it, and get going.

Elana: Stop dreaming and just do it!

Fed Up With Kiddie Calls

Dear Sisters,

I have a 10 year-old son. This little boy calls him at least five times a night. I don't want to be rude, but this needs to stop. How can I deal with this without offending his parents?

Jena: Speak to the child's parents. Explain the problem. Usually they can be of assistance. If not, when the child calls just explain that your child is unavailable for the rest of the evening. I believe that would be in keeping with the truth. I do not recommend lying. Also, if all else fails, there is a call-blocking service available through your phone service.

Michele': Just simply tell him your child can't talk on the phone unless it is school assignment related, except for days that there is no school the following day, and that there is a time limit. If that doesn't work I suggest you speak with the parents. It they are offended, so be it.

Elana: Simply tell the child, "Baby don't call my house anymore, something is wrong with my phone."

What's a Hoochie Mama?

Dear Sisters,

One of my friends frequently calls me a Hoochie Mama. What is a Hoochie Mama? I couldn’t find hoochie in the dictionary? I don't know whether or not I should be offended or not. One of my friends says it is a loose woman.

Jena: I think it may be derived from the term “hooch” which is defined as illegally distilled whisky. Perhaps it is a “mama” or woman who acts like she has consumed hooch.

Michele: I do not think a "hoochie mama" is necessarily a loose woman. I think of a "hoochie mama" as an underdressed or perhaps overdressed woman.

Elana: In my opinion a "hoochie mama" is a woman who dresses provocatively, behaves inappropriately with men, and lets anyone know that she has what it takes to get what she wants from a man. I believe the character played by Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich could be described as a "hoochie mama."

In Heat in Southwest Georgia

Dear Sisters,

I am a 35 year-old woman and have been abstinent for over a year now. This happens to be by choice. I am trying to wait for Mr. Right to come along before I am intimate, but on the other hand my libido really is kicking in. What do you recommend? Continue to remain abstinent or satisfy my desire?

Jena: I just don’t see the point if you haven’t found the Mr. Right.

Michele’: Well young lady I personally recommend that if you have been abstinent this long by choice, then you should continue and wait for the right man-- and the right moment!

Elana: Satisfy your desire, safely. Remember this advice column is just in fun. Please don’t take this advice too seriously—especially this advice.

Floating on Air

Dear Sisters,

I have a friend who has been alone for the last couple of years. Now she has found someone and she believes she is head over heels in love. Do you think it is pure infatuation, desperation for companionship or is it love? Might I add that she has only been dating him for a couple of months.

Jena: Again, not knowing the full scope of the situation this is difficult to answer. I would say it could be either of the situations. But even if she is in love, chances are she does not really know who she is in love with given that they have known each other for such a short time. Time will tell. They could either be a Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley or they could be our grandparents who were married for over sixty years. Lets just hope they take their time and get to know each other.

Michele: Well, that could be either or. Although this may be love at first bite, I personally believe in love at first sight as well.

Elana: I think that it is likely that she is just seeking affection and that she really is not thinking clearly. However, I could be wrong.

Lovin' a Hound Dog

Dear Sisters,

I have been dating this lady for two years. I really love her but I know that if I get sick or lose my money our relationship would be over. She would leave me high and dry. I am thinking about asking her to marry me, but I know the deal. I know she will say yes, but if things get a little rough she will be on her way. What do you think I should do?

Jena: The first question that came to mind when I read this was “What are the chances of him getting sick or losing all of his money?” But really I don’t think that matters because none of us really knows the answer to that. I think that you know the deal and that you know the possible consequences of your actions. So now my question is “Do you feel lucky?”

Michele: If a man or a woman has any doubt in the one he or she's planning to spend the rest of her life with they should surely move on or wait until they are sure of each other.

Elana: Reconsider.

Slightly Shallow Sister

Dear Sisters,

I am a 40-year old divorced woman. I really want to be in a relationship with someone, but I really do not know what I want. The thing that really bothers me is that I really think I am still very immature. I have met some really nice men with okay personalities and good careers, but I am just not attracted to them physically--I am really attracted to really nice looking guys. It just seems that the really nice looking guys are all taken, or really jerks. Do you think that I am being immature?

Jena: Yes.

Michele: Well this is just one woman’s opinion. But if I could meet this man that had all the qualities of a good man, such as: personality, warm-heartedness, well-established-not rich, but in good standing; good moral character; a good sense of humor; loves himself and his mother; and well groomed—not necessarily handsome, then he'd have my vote. He could probably win with me.

Elana: Not so much immature, but you do need to learn how to make better choices—not so impulsive.

Two-Headed Sister in the House

Dear Sisters,

I live with my sister and she appears to have split personality syndrome. How do you deal with one person, when she is actually two?

Jena: The easy answer is to move your assets out. However, my guess is if it were that simple you would be long gone. I am assuming that the split personality you are referring to is really just different moods—certainly if you were really dealing with schizophrenia your sister would be in treatment. I would do whatever I could to not aggravate the situation and in the meantime work diligently toward separate residences.

Michele: I take it that one of those persons is one that you are unhappy with. If so, I suggest that when that one enters you just do a little splitting and return when you think the nicer one is there.

Elana: If she were my sister, being that I love her, I would move as soon as possible. But if she were not my sister, I would beat her backside--nonviolently , of course.