Hot in Mama's House

Dear Sisters,

I am a 35 year-old single, divorced mother of one child. I live with my mother. It is a very difficult situation because my mother thinks I'm lazy. She doesn't understand why a person who is up from 5 a.m. until about 11 p.m. most nights doing something besides relaxing is tired. She also says that I can't have a male friend to come visit me in her home. She always gets mad at me about something or the other. She tells me she will be glad when I get out of her house. But if I go out and stay late and my child isn't there with her, she gets mad because she is home by herself. So sisters, tell me what do you think--what would you say to mom?

Jena: If I were in your position, I would not say anything to my mom. At least nothing more than I love her and will always be a part of her life. I would simply try to find the resources to get out on my own.

Michele: Sweetie, get out of your mother's house.

Elana: Although I understand that you do not want to hurt your mother’s feelings, you are an adult with adult responsibilities and you are not happy with this arrangement. And since this is true, the only answer is to get on with your own life. Your mother has lived her own life the way she chose--and continues to do so. Now you must do the same.

Excusemaker or Realist

Dear Sisters,

I’m often told that I can achieve anything if I give it my all. However, I feel there are some things that some people are just not good at. By this comment, do you think I am not trying hard enough and making excuses, or do you agree that some people are just not good at some things?

Jena: It is a question only that person can answer. I do believe different people have different strengths. That being said, in my lifetime I cannot recall an instance when something that I set out to learn was not within my grasp. Well, maybe one instance—a singer I am not. However, I can recall times when something was beyond the effort I was willing to put forth. I will say that in my heart, I have always known when it was my ability or when it was my attitude that was the obstacle. There have certainly been times when I ignored my heart and labeled my “excuse” as “the reason” for not giving my best.

Michele’: Personally, I believe that you can achieve anything you want to achieve. But I also think that you may not be as good as others at those achievements. On the other hand, you might also be the very best.

Elana: I believe it can be either or. Sometimes you make excuses that you cannot do something because you do not want to put forth the effort. And sometimes, you really may not be that good at it. But try it before you dish it.

Fed Up in the City

Dear Sisters,

I am 16 years old. I have a sister who is about three years younger than me and people are always telling her how pretty she is. When they notice me they say, "you are cute too and your mommy says you are so smart." It has always been this way. I think my sister is really cute too, but I really get upset with how little these people seem to care about my feelings. I always just smile. Do you think I should say something to these people about their rudeness?

Jena: Girl, you are talking to the guru now. I too was the smart one and there is no glamour in that. But the older I get the more I realize that being the pretty one might not be all that great. Just ask Halle. In the end it’s not the outside that counts, its what is in your heart. Not to mention, I don’t care what they say I look pretty darn good myself. And, I personally would just say a little prayer for those rude folks. I would pray they get a little less insensitive as they get older.

Michele': No, don't utter a word. Just smile and remember that you are cute and smart too.

Elana: Being that I am one of those pretty girls, my advice is that you should not take it so personally. Don’t worry about the opinions of other people because you will never be able to control them. In other words, get over it.

Culture Shock

Dear Sisters,

We recently moved to a small city in Georgia. My child is in the eleventh grade and attends two schools--a magnet school and the regular high school. My child has been in the top of her class everywhere we have lived--we are military folks. Her classes have always been pretty diverse. She has explained to me that the magnet school she is attending has very few African Americans in the classes, but the regular high school across the street is almost all African American. She takes one class at the regular school and says there is a very blantant difference in the quality of the facilities, instruction, and class control. She feels that this is very unfair. I can tell that this is very stressful for her. I am having a hard time explaining this situation to my child. Just for you information, we are not African Americans; we are white.

Jena: Initially, we were pretty shocked that we were getting this letter from white folks. But truly if a person is from a place where equality and fairness are the norm, it can be a pretty big culture shock coming into a situation such as this one. I believe this is not an unusual situation in the South, and it most certainly is not unusual in our parts. Be honest and candid with your child and to continue to instill your value system in her although she is in this difficult situation. I would also encourage her to forge strong relationships with both her peers and teachers--her influence on them can be monumental. Remind her she is a political participant and a voter of the future. You might also encourage her to use cultural diverse internet resources to

Michele: I would encourage your daughter to consider writing about and sharing her experiences--maybe a journal or a newsletter article. You might also encourage her to use cultural diverse internet resources, such as, Race Relations at SisterPlay.com to ensure her diverse connections. Just monitor her Internet usage closely, because there are dangers.

Elana: For the most part, I agree with the advice my sisters have offered. I'm not very hopeful. This is the way its always been and I don't believe its ever going to change. Who knows, maybe your family will be the difference.

Hanging on to the Past

Dear Sisters,

My husband and I are separated, but it is not my choice. I still love my husband. Because of this, I have issues with other guys. Give me your insight on moving on.

Jena: This question is really difficult to answer without knowing the full scope of the situation. However, regardless of the situation I would strongly recommend taking the steps to bring closure or reconciliation to the current relationship—the marriage—before even attempting to develop other relationships. My guess is that one of the largest issues you have in new relationships would certainly have to be that you have not dealt with the current relationship.

Michele: Give yourself a little time. You know time really does heal all wounds. You don't need a man around for that.

Elana: I think you should examine why you are having such a hard time dealing with this, then perhaps you will be able to move on. Consider seeking the services of a counselor or clergy in help you to examine the why.

In a Rut

Dear Sisters,

I am 40 years-old. All of my life I have been working at jobs that pay terribly. I know that I have the ability to go to school and increase my skills, but I just cannot seem to get motivated. I'm not lazy, I have always worked--sometimes two or three jobs at a time. I was a very good student in high school, but chose to get married rather than go to college. Fifteen years down the road, I find myself here. Do you have any suggestions?

Jena: Seldom do my sisters and I see eye-to-eye, but this is one of those rare instances. I would say, follow their advice. Many times a lack of motivation is simply a side effect of the fear of failure. As long as you do not try, you cannot fail. The flipside is that if you do not try, you cannot succeed.

Michele': Pray about it, and get going.

Elana: Stop dreaming and just do it!

Fed Up With Kiddie Calls

Dear Sisters,

I have a 10 year-old son. This little boy calls him at least five times a night. I don't want to be rude, but this needs to stop. How can I deal with this without offending his parents?

Jena: Speak to the child's parents. Explain the problem. Usually they can be of assistance. If not, when the child calls just explain that your child is unavailable for the rest of the evening. I believe that would be in keeping with the truth. I do not recommend lying. Also, if all else fails, there is a call-blocking service available through your phone service.

Michele': Just simply tell him your child can't talk on the phone unless it is school assignment related, except for days that there is no school the following day, and that there is a time limit. If that doesn't work I suggest you speak with the parents. It they are offended, so be it.

Elana: Simply tell the child, "Baby don't call my house anymore, something is wrong with my phone."

What's a Hoochie Mama?

Dear Sisters,

One of my friends frequently calls me a Hoochie Mama. What is a Hoochie Mama? I couldn’t find hoochie in the dictionary? I don't know whether or not I should be offended or not. One of my friends says it is a loose woman.

Jena: I think it may be derived from the term “hooch” which is defined as illegally distilled whisky. Perhaps it is a “mama” or woman who acts like she has consumed hooch.

Michele: I do not think a "hoochie mama" is necessarily a loose woman. I think of a "hoochie mama" as an underdressed or perhaps overdressed woman.

Elana: In my opinion a "hoochie mama" is a woman who dresses provocatively, behaves inappropriately with men, and lets anyone know that she has what it takes to get what she wants from a man. I believe the character played by Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich could be described as a "hoochie mama."

In Heat in Southwest Georgia

Dear Sisters,

I am a 35 year-old woman and have been abstinent for over a year now. This happens to be by choice. I am trying to wait for Mr. Right to come along before I am intimate, but on the other hand my libido really is kicking in. What do you recommend? Continue to remain abstinent or satisfy my desire?

Jena: I just don’t see the point if you haven’t found the Mr. Right.

Michele’: Well young lady I personally recommend that if you have been abstinent this long by choice, then you should continue and wait for the right man-- and the right moment!

Elana: Satisfy your desire, safely. Remember this advice column is just in fun. Please don’t take this advice too seriously—especially this advice.

Floating on Air

Dear Sisters,

I have a friend who has been alone for the last couple of years. Now she has found someone and she believes she is head over heels in love. Do you think it is pure infatuation, desperation for companionship or is it love? Might I add that she has only been dating him for a couple of months.

Jena: Again, not knowing the full scope of the situation this is difficult to answer. I would say it could be either of the situations. But even if she is in love, chances are she does not really know who she is in love with given that they have known each other for such a short time. Time will tell. They could either be a Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley or they could be our grandparents who were married for over sixty years. Lets just hope they take their time and get to know each other.

Michele: Well, that could be either or. Although this may be love at first bite, I personally believe in love at first sight as well.

Elana: I think that it is likely that she is just seeking affection and that she really is not thinking clearly. However, I could be wrong.

Lovin' a Hound Dog

Dear Sisters,

I have been dating this lady for two years. I really love her but I know that if I get sick or lose my money our relationship would be over. She would leave me high and dry. I am thinking about asking her to marry me, but I know the deal. I know she will say yes, but if things get a little rough she will be on her way. What do you think I should do?

Jena: The first question that came to mind when I read this was “What are the chances of him getting sick or losing all of his money?” But really I don’t think that matters because none of us really knows the answer to that. I think that you know the deal and that you know the possible consequences of your actions. So now my question is “Do you feel lucky?”

Michele: If a man or a woman has any doubt in the one he or she's planning to spend the rest of her life with they should surely move on or wait until they are sure of each other.

Elana: Reconsider.

Slightly Shallow Sister

Dear Sisters,

I am a 40-year old divorced woman. I really want to be in a relationship with someone, but I really do not know what I want. The thing that really bothers me is that I really think I am still very immature. I have met some really nice men with okay personalities and good careers, but I am just not attracted to them physically--I am really attracted to really nice looking guys. It just seems that the really nice looking guys are all taken, or really jerks. Do you think that I am being immature?

Jena: Yes.

Michele: Well this is just one woman’s opinion. But if I could meet this man that had all the qualities of a good man, such as: personality, warm-heartedness, well-established-not rich, but in good standing; good moral character; a good sense of humor; loves himself and his mother; and well groomed—not necessarily handsome, then he'd have my vote. He could probably win with me.

Elana: Not so much immature, but you do need to learn how to make better choices—not so impulsive.

Two-Headed Sister in the House

Dear Sisters,

I live with my sister and she appears to have split personality syndrome. How do you deal with one person, when she is actually two?

Jena: The easy answer is to move your assets out. However, my guess is if it were that simple you would be long gone. I am assuming that the split personality you are referring to is really just different moods—certainly if you were really dealing with schizophrenia your sister would be in treatment. I would do whatever I could to not aggravate the situation and in the meantime work diligently toward separate residences.

Michele: I take it that one of those persons is one that you are unhappy with. If so, I suggest that when that one enters you just do a little splitting and return when you think the nicer one is there.

Elana: If she were my sister, being that I love her, I would move as soon as possible. But if she were not my sister, I would beat her backside--nonviolently , of course.